Sephiroth.

I want to start this day off by talking about one of my personal heroes: Sephiroth from the Final Fantasy franchise. He's a featured antagonist in the seventh installment and its subsequent spin-offs and sequels. If you don't know who he is, then you should probably find a slow, painful way to kill yourself OR you should invest some of your time to find out about this amazing villain because he is arguably one of the most badass antagonists in any given story.

Sephiroth starts off as a good guy and a mentor to Zack Fair (I don't want to spoil anything for you) as well as Cloud Strife, the central protagonist to Final Fantasy VII. He's the most powerful mercenary in the entire force of SOLDIER, which is basically an organization of biologically-enhanced mercenaries for hire under Shinra. Eventually you find out that Sephiroth is born of Jenova, an extraterrestrial evil being that is bent on enslaving the world. And then he loses his fucking mind and becomes bent on destroying everything. It's pretty intense.

That aside, Sephiroth is pretty fucking metal. His theme song sounds like it was written by Coheed and Cambria. His motives are completely irrational and not well thought out but he doesn't give a fuck. He has a huge sword and he intends on fucking SOMEONE or SOMETHING up with it, regardless. He looks like he belongs in a Norse black metal band and he sets fires to villages in a complete madness without any justification (just because he feels like it).



Yes. Sephiroth did this. He took this snake and fucking impaled its ass on a gigantic spike. Because he's level sixty and honestly, he doesn't give a flying fuck. This was done effortlessly. After he did this, he just walked away without breaking a sweat. Cloud and his little friends come by and see this, and they're completely amazed. Cloud is pissing his fucking pants. There is no way in hell Cloud could EVER do this (although once you get to a higher level you can beat the damn thing but it takes some effort to do which, to Sephiroth, there is no such fucking thing as effort).

And so the fuck what if he was voiced by Lance Bass in Kingdom Hearts. If canonical Sephiroth ever met that version of himself he would fucking slit his throat, place him in a bathtub and watch him drown in his own blood. How dare Disney fucking disgrace the name of Sephiroth in such a way. HOW DARE THEY?!?!?!?!

I put the fire and electric augments in my master hammer?!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!

Cloud is a bastard sometimes. Sometimes he's cool and legit. But sometimes he's a little bitch with an identity crisis problem and it pisses me off. Honestly, who the fuck cares if you had Jenova cells injected into your body so you're one of Sephiroth's mind slaves? Just give in! You know he's going to win anyways. Jesus fucking Christ dude...

Speaking of dishonoring Sephiroth's name and likeness, look at this fuck. I know what you're trying to do, dude. But seriously... just give it up. You can't do this to look cool, get pussy, etc. It's just not going to work for you. There is only one Sephiroth. I want to see you fucking try to impale a gargantuan snake on a spike, or summon a meteor the size of fucking Alaska to strike the Earth so that you can soak up the Lifestream and become a god. I want to see you do any of that. Not even Lucky Strikes and Vitmain Water will make you as fucking awesome as Sephiroth. Or me for that matter. I suggest if you're trying, if you think that you're awesome, you need to go home to your wife, rethink your life and stop thinking that if you were to reverse time and become a seventeen-year-old version of yourself you'd be played by Zac Efron because it ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN!



That is all for now with this fuckery.