Duality and how it applies to me.

Right now, since there is NEVER a time better than the present I'm going to talk a little bit about duality. For those of you who have no clue what duality is, look at the word and assume. I mean it speaks for itself. It's not a difficult vocab word. I think duality would be in the beginning pages of a child's vocabulary workbook. Anyways...

I think that most of us in a sense suffer from a case of duality. I mean, it's easy to act a certain way in some situations and then act differently in different ones. It happens I suppose. But some of us practice this to an extreme and we can't help when we do it, it's just the way our psyche is built. It's part of who we are. Not intentionally. For instance:

Take me for example. I talk to people. I converse, I joke, I laugh. I seem very happy and in high spirits to most people but in the back of my mind I feel dark and gloomy and depressed all the time. And I can't help it. It's just how I am. I'm built on a foundation of pessimism and skepticism. Why? Because of my past. Because of my associations with people. A lot of the time, I like people to their face but I absolutely abhor them to their back. It's not something I try and do, it just happens that way because I've been taught from experiences in life that people are subject to change and cannot be relied upon for anything long-term. Your friends will always abandon you, your family will categorize you, and the people that you love will fall out of love with you. The sad part is YOU CAN'T CHANGE THIS. No matter how brash and bold and fucking honest you are in life. The world will always turn its back on you.

So I'm in it for the moment. I take what I can as life gives it to me and I don't dig any deeper than that. There are other things that I aspire for and I'm typically not one to sit back and let life happen to me so don't get that impression. That's not what I'm trying to say. I only mean a thing to people for a certain amount of time and they only mean something to me for that period of time as well. I take everything that anyone says to me with a grain of salt and behind their backs I don't consider most of them in my decision-making process. This strategy has gotten me through more bad situations than I can recount. Not only that but any time I defy this routine, I end up getting fucked over completely.

I have to note that there are people who can see either side of me and I don't betray them. These are people that I have been around for quite some time and have always been there for me. There aren't very many of them, but if I have ever called you "best friend" or "brother" then you are most certainly one of these people. I just wanted to say that real quick before these people jumped out of their fucking seats.

Sometimes I show my duality with these people as well. It can't really be helped. Because I have this defense mechanism where if something or someone is bothering me, I keep to myself and rely on myself to solve problems before I turn to other people. And I'll do everything I can and expend every single option before I go to someone and ask for their personal advice. Usually by the time I run though this, I will have gathered enough information for myself on the situation to get a valid and unbiased opinion from the people who mean the most to me and are willing to do what they can to point me in the right direction. I know they always have the best intentions, but I don;t want to make my problems theirs. They're human beings too and human beings are plagued with problems. There's not such thing as "the good life." There's just life. And it is what you make it. It's in your hands.

So basically what I'm saying is that I myself am not the person that a lot of people see me as. Because of the fact that I keep people out of my reality. I keep them far enough to where they can't cause me any harm. Every single time that I defy this and try to see the good in people when it doesn't show, I end up being vulnerable and in turn I end up being torn to fucking shreds. So what do I do?

I fake it. I'm accepting up front. I'm not disagreeable or a dickhole to anyone to their face but in the back of my mind I'm picking them apart, sizing them up. From there I choose if I want to associate any further with this person and whether or not I think they're worth the effort. Sometimes I meet people who I am so fucking disgusted by that I straight up have to tell them what I'm thinking. But that's only if I know 100% that I have a legit opinion of them. I've VERY good at picking up on people from the second I meet them. I can talk to them for minutes before I can have them mapped out because I've met such a broad variety of people in my lifetime that it's become easy for me to find common or uncommon ground with people right from the start. And most of you who have ever met me in real life before know that I don't say a lot until the hour-long warm-up period is up and done with. And a lot of you also know that when I find you acceptable as a person by my standards and I warm up to you I can be the most amazing friend that you will ever have. It's true. All fact right there.

But when I don't like someone, I reject them right away. I'm straight up. I don't fuck around so to speak.

Anyways... I thought I'd just share that real quick. Thanks for reading and be sure to check my Library for some other interesting posts and topics of the day, week, month, year... so on so forth. :)