In the distant future at an unknown year, Jesus built a time machine. The time machine was based on a model of a Delorean from the twentieth century that was outfitted with a flux capacitor: a device that allows time travel to be possible. Jesus' intention was to go back in time and have sex with a distant relative of his (his greatest grandmother imaginable that he could trace), impregnating her and by doing so, making himself immortal through some incredibly complex time paradox that even blows my mind when I try and even think about it.
A party led by Squall Leonhardt attempted to stop Jesus from following through with this course of action, chasing him to the ends of the Earth and finally back to Midgar. Cloud Strife was supposed to land a killing blow on Jesus in his Jenova form, but his omnislash didn't hit 9,999 every time, and Jesus made off in the Delorean barely surviving the battle.
Jesus arrives in the past, wooes and does the deed with his greatest grandmother imaginable and once he is assured that his seed has taken hold, uses his magical powers to re-manifest his life force into the fetus. Joseph, the husband of Mary, threatens to give her a rusty coathanger abortion, but she pleads with him denying the sexual encounter saying that "God put this child in me." Joseph has a mid-life crisis and shaves off his handle-bar mustache. He attends AA meetings as well and sells his motorcycle for less than he could have gotten it for at blue-book price.
After Jesus is reborn (I have to say reborn), Joseph and Mary divorce because he slips back into his alcoholism. Jesus resents his father. He isn't able to get a job anywhere when he's sixteen because he's just a bashful teenager who is good at making shit up and writing it down and talking about it but he sucks at math and science. He is held back many a grade. He flops on every job interview until his alcoholic father offers him a job as a carpenter. Jesus spends all of his money on weed and prostitutes. He listens to The Mars Volta every day with massive headphones. He has friends, but they use him for his shitty quality weed and his Advanced Dungeons and Dragons set. He is SUCH a dick when he is the Dungeon Master.
One day, Jesus is told by an angel that he is the Messiah. It wasn't really an angel, it was a vision of Donnie Dokken. Donnie Dokken reveals to Jesus the Delorean, telling him to set the controls to 1984. He also tells Jesus that he's been living a lie, and his name is really Danny Russo. The rest is film history.
(for documentation of these missing scriptures, please review The Karate Kid parts I to III).
Jesus returns to his time. He is a fucking asshole who is a master of Karate. He brings people back to life and heals people with the powers he aquired from the Bonzai Dojo and his Master: Mister Miyagi (also known as Arnold from Happy Days). He also puts to use a water to wine trick that he learned so that he could consistently be drunk all the time. One day, he was drunk and he went back in time and killed the dinosaurs off before a meteor did. Then he went up to the meteor with Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi and Ben Affleck and nuked it.
After returning to his own time, Donnie Dokken appeared to him once again in a dream and told him that he was going to be crucified after a citation for time travel and killing off mythical beasts. He started hanging out with a bunch of nerds (who used to be his D&D buddies in high school) and prostitutes and developed a nasty addiction to heroin. He started a hype to get these disgusting people to follow him that he was the Messiah and if they didn't follow what he said, they were going to Hell.
This is a picture of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
During this entire time, Satan was pissed off. He sent for Skeletor and Megatron to battle Jesus and his Apostles. Jesus and his Apostles formed Voltron and easily defeated their foes. Afterward they had dinner. Jesus was so drunk that he told everyone that his blood was wine. They asked him: "Well then what is your body?" They were all strung out on meth. He told them that his body is made of bread and that he's some sort of bread monster from the future. They laughed. But little did they know how true this statement was.
So Jesus gets beaten and nailed to the cross for killing off the dinosaurs. The only sex he had in this lifetime was paid for in cheap motel rooms with girls with fake names like Mary Magdelene (which sounds like a stripper name to me to be honest). Pontius Pilate begins developing a system to bring back the dinosaurs using genetic engineering in order to form a theme park on an island (for more information on this scripture, please review Jurassic Park and the Lost World. But fuck the third JP movie. It sucked. Pontius Pilate is really the old guy, he just uses Vitamin Water and smokes Lucky Strikes to make himself immortal which you find out Jesus SHOULD have done instead of this roundabout time paradox shit).
His friends write books about him that consist of lies to cover up the reality that Jesus is in fact a drunken dino-killer.
Jesus is NOT immortal but his spirit lives on in a ring that he constructed in the fires of Mount Doom. Eventually this ring is found by Marty McFly and by coincidence, the Delorean technology is found by Doc Brown. They reunite. Jesus' spirit manifests itself after three movies in Marty McFly, making him the new time-traveling Messiah. Unfortunately his host gets Parkinson's Disease and you can only find him on re-runs of Spin City. He's only in re-runs because this is what he looks like now:
The ring makes its way back to the year 2004. It is now being worn by Kanye West, which explains why he has such an immense talent.
(For a brief period of time, Chris Brown was the ringbearer of Jesus. Due to the corrupting power of it, Rihanna attempted to steal it for herself and Chris Brown beat the shit out of her for it. Kanye West punched out his car window and ripped Chris Brown's hand off and took the ring back, and Chris Brown currently has a prosthetic hand much like Luke Skywalker has).
I found God on Google. So now, I believe.
*Just a quick note... I am NOT bashing Christianity. I'm just bashing people who take an idea and put words in peoples' mouths.*
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