truuuulalula!

A lot of people out there go out into the world without a clue of what they want to do or what they should be doing with themselves. Some of them are my age, older, younger. It seems like everyone. No one has direction these days and while we're growing up our parents tell us to get an early start and plan ahead or whatever.

There's something that I've experienced in my life that I affectionately call "Fucking up my life." It's mistakes that I've made. Some of them affected me positively and some of them affected me negatively. When I graduated from high school I had no idea what I wanted to be. I knew what I was good at but I always had this question: "Should I pursue it?" The answer now in retrospect was YES! I should have. Why?

Because I wasted so much time going out into the world trying to find purpose and meaning. I searched in nooks and crannies, in the hearts of girls who I would eventually part ways with trying to find a purpose, but I failed. I returned right back to square one with an empty suitcase. I don't regret it but the most important lesson that I learned is that you can't go out searching for happiness or meaning. It's right under your nose and you just have to dig it up really.

And other people cant define you. It doesn't matter if you love someone and it doesn't matter how much you love them. When someone else becomes the keystone to everything in your life what happens when that stone is removed? Everything you build around that person crashes to the ground. This is what happened to me. I DON'T regret it. I just know that I made a mistake in doing so and it cost me a lot. It affected me so negatively as a person that I lost hope and with a hole in my heart that size, there was nothing I could put in it to replace that feeling that I used to have.

We always told one another that no matter what we would always be together and it was like... so believable but at that point I had no idea. I barely knew who I was and even though I loved with all I could, it's just not what was in the works for me.

And I realize it especially now. Recently. Someone has walked into my life and has effortlessly changed me for the better. I realize that as far as loving someone goes it's not who loves you more or less, but it's always who loves you best. And I honestly believe that life has handed me a chance to not replace my former love from the past but to build something new and better. I don't want to jump to conclusions but I've found something in someone that is worth trying for. Because she doesn't seem like the "take everything and give nothing back" kind of person but she's sweet and she has as big of a heart as I do.

Nothing good comes easy though. But I'm more than willing.

But the basis of my life isn't going to be on a relationship. Sure, every relationship needs work but there are so many things to living that are important. I see it as more of a COLLABORATION than an outright compromise. Which is good.

I haven't smiled as much as I have in the past month or so as I have in over a year. It says a lot to me.

I want to push my writing. I can't go to school for it now. I'm even considering going to school within the state whenever I can rather than Chicago so I'm not paying a billion dollars for tuition and fees and housing. But for now I just have to keep doing it and get better at it. I set these personal goals from myself. Some I attain and some I don't. The ones that I don't are where I need to improve. Once I get those down I'm sure I'll be good.

Katie is giving me her acoustic so I'll FINALLY be able to start making music again which is substantial. But I haven't been able to do it in a while and it actually feels like one of my limbs is missing. FUCK stupid sluts who fuck innocent people over without reason and then never give you your clothes, guitar and all of your other shit when you call them and try to recover it. One of the fucking reasons why I hate Pittsburgh so much: the retarded people who live there.

Not all of them are retarded. But a good 99% are.

I'm ending this blog. Because I need to eat my quesadilla and I need to pee because I drank too much water (which, the water in my office tastes like blood for some reason). Bye bye...

-DRJ


PS: Nate's video STILL hasn't been dug out by youtube admin.