My defective alarm clock.

This is between you and I because we need to keep this on the down-low. If my alarm clock heard me talking about it in a despicable manner than he would likely castrate me in my sleep. I am reliant on a piece of shit to wake me up in a punctual manner in the morning, a task which it seems to fail me on every time.

I roll out of bed running for the bathroom to take a shower. There is no "I'm up early! I'm going to go outside and sit on the deck with a nice cup of coffee and a morning cigarette while I check out the newspaper with the radio on." No. It's more like this:

*YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN"

"What time is it?" *Checks clock* "MOOOOOTHERFUCKER!"

It's been a while since I've woken up to that "BEEP BEEP BEEP" noise on repeat. Most people hate that sound but I rejoice whenever I hear it in the morning. I can't even move myself to hitting the snooze button. I'm like "WOW IT WORKED!" This occurs once every two months.

Because Tito... yes, that is the name of my scum-fuck alarm clock is all like:

"YO DANIELLLLL JOO NEED TO SET ME BEFORE JOO GO TO SLEEEPYBYE!" And I'm like "Alright, you're Mexican. Taco Bell is Mexican, Corona is Mexican, Tequila is Mexican and Chihuahuas are Mexican. I can trust you." But no. FUCK THAT. This is one of those bad Mexican dudes with the creepy curly mustache and a thirst for blood.

So I'm tormented with the idea that if I set it, MAYBE it'll wake me up in the morning. Again, this is rare but I try really hard. I inspect it from top to bottom before I set it back down on my end table to make sure everything is in right and working order. I've even changed the batteries. But nothing works.

I'm fighting a war against my stupid fucking alarm clock and I am losing.