Swim further Daniel but you'll never reach the shore.

"I have not failed 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work." - Thomas Alva Edison

Why is it that everywhere that I go I have nothing but the best intentions and I find nothing but conflict? I'm seriously so tired of it. I don't know what it is about people that makes them feel like they can walk right in and just walk all over me. This time, it's happening within my family. MY FAMILY. Which is something that you honestly DO NOT FUCK WITH. My relationship with my father has grown exponentially during the past six months or so, honestly. But the fact of the matter is this: I cannot enjoy the relationship that I have with my dad when I feel the need to stay in my room out of the way all the time. Because I want to show respect by being as little of a nuisance as I possibly can. It seems like every time I leave my room, even if it's something like getting something to eat real quick I feel like I'm being punched in the stomach with guilt that is inflicted on me by someone who has no reason whatsoever to dislike me. Someone who whenever there's a problem I'm the one who is to blame for it. And lately since my routine of staying in my room and out of everyone's hair has apparently been discovered, especially within the past month or so the problem moves into my room as well. I have not heard ONE positive thing come from that woman's mouth that was directed at me. I stopped walking her dog because I can't even get a simple "thank you" out of her. My dad is always the one who does the thanking. I haven't mouthed off or spoken up. My responses to her are simply "Okay..." and "I'm sorry..." because I want to show her respect. I really do. Not for her sake but for my dad's sake. To tell you the God's honest truth and I could put my hand on the Bible and swear this by any religion in the world, I LOVE my father very much. I want him to be happy. Even if it means something like this for me. But it's hard you know? To just sit back and watch all of the bullshit happen behind the scenes when he's not looking. She can't even find the nerve to say half the things she does to me in front of my dad. She treats me like I'm some bloody idiot. And she makes a damn sarcastic comment about everything that comes out of my mouth and it's gotten to the point where I'd rather just not say anything to her. Really... I'm seriously done trying to be nice and remaining a neutral party. When I have the means to get the hell out of there so that life can just go on and no one is being a bitch to one another, I'm going to take it because the most frustrating thing in the entire world is when you're put in a situation like this, which I HAVE many times before and this time around I have seen NO PROOF, absolutely none that this time is any different. Other than my little sister, who I also love and adore to no end. I really do.

Last night I was infuriated by the fact that I was in my room being quiet (because I made the mistake of being loud two nights before and caught some shit for it for waking my sister up) and apparently since my lights were still on and I was playing video games (with the volume set one notch above being completely silent and keeping my voice down to a minimum) I was the reason why my sister woke up in the middle of the night. Nope. I guess it makes sense, you know... that you can hear that I'm awake when you're standing RIGHT BY MY DOOR.

Thanks a lot. Now my dad is pissed off at me. But you know what? I'm not making shit up and saying it to my dad to get him pissed off at you am I? How about some respect? Unless you feel like I don't deserve it. I TRY to give it to you. Which is why I stay the fuck out of your way but that is never enough is it? Didn't think so...

My dad told me this morning that when things like this happen, he doesn't know who to believe and that it seems like we pit him against one another. I don't see how I've pitted him against her at all because I say nothing and just take it. My dad has never really yelled at me for anything when it comes to what she says until the other day. Further than that I have no idea what she says to him but I don't say anything to him about her. When we were at the bar one night he was talking to me about her and the way that she treats me and how it's just like any other girlfriend that he's ever had. And how he has no idea why everyone he dates has so much disdain for me. I go to work, I go home and I stay in my room all night. I don't try to do anything to cause problems. I don't try to do anything to get in anyone's way. And when I do something that DOES, I feel bad for it and I try to make up for it. I apologize. I feel bad for it. Like my sister's baptism. I didn't mean to miss that by any means but I did and for a week straight I felt bad about it. I even talked to my friends about how bad I felt about it but my dad couldn't have known. Because I go in my room and I never come out because I try to avoid conflict between her and myself. I WANT things to be stable in the household so I stay out of the way but apparently it's not enough. It's never enough. Frankly the only reason why I consider her a part of my family is because of my sister. When she questions my motives and my integrity when it comes to my family, she has no place to tell me anything. I know how much value that I place on my father and my siblings. I would take a bullet without hesitation for any of them and I am VERY grateful for what they all contribute to my life despite the fact that I may or may not deserve any of it. I can't exaggerage enough for grateful I am. But me leaving the clothes on top of the dryer or my room being a mess has nothing to do with that. It has NOTHING to do with my values. Or my understanding of family love whatsoever. I WISH I WOULD HAVE WAKEN UP TO GO TO NAOMI'S BAPTISM. And it's one thing that I'm always going to remember for the rest of my life because it only happens once and I wasn't there. I feel TERRIBLE. Why anyone doesn't understand that, I have no idea. I'm not an idiot. I'm not stupid or selfish at all. I can be VIEWED as selfish sometimes because I'm not a very verbal person and showing appreciation isn't something I have been good at, but that doesn't mean it's not there. Just because I can't express something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Think of how many human emotions that there are that are impossible to explain. I'm good at some that other people are generally not and vice versa. And this happens to be one of those things. I'M SORRY. I mean it.

She even jealously eyeballs me whenever my dad shows me exclusive attention. She looks at me like I'm some kind of animal when I eat any food. A reason why on my days off you'll see me go upstairs to eat ONE TIME all day and even then, she walks by and gives me shit for something. If I'd rather starve than come out of my room because I'm afraid she's going to say something to me, that has to say something.

List of things that I "do" late at night when everyone goes to bed that my dad's girlfriend comes down to yell at me about:
-Listening to music too loud (when I don't even have music on).
-Going upstairs to the kitchen to get food (which I've done but since stopped).
-She smells smoke coming from my room (I smoked in my room ONCE. My dad was there).
-(most recently) I was being too loud playing Halo online (actually happened one time, which I apologized for and admitted I was being unreasonable for but not again).

If I made up a list of things she says to me during the day when my dad isn't around, I'd be sitting here for ten hours typing.

I just want to say that neither of my parents have always been the best role models as far as love and marriage goes. But it's always been enough and they've shown me all the love in the world. There are other things that they have taught me and there are a lot of valuable lessons that I have learned both through their successes and failures that have made me the loving, kindhearted man that I am. I love both of my parents very much and I appreciate them so much. I just wish that I could be closer to both of them without some factor pushing me away. It makes me really, really sad. And I think about how my dad's dad died when he was even younger than I am now. I think about it all the time and how he never really had that much of a relationship with his dad before he passed away and I don't want this to happen. I don't want a reason to push my dad away at all. Because maybe I could give him that relationship that he missed out with his dad through the reverse, if that makes any sense.

Sometimes I wish that I could go back to a time when everything was perfect and just freeze time. So that everything could stay the same as it was. There was apart of a book that I really connected with where this young man goes to a museum to try to find his sister to give her a record. He notices that he used to go there all the time on field trips when he was in school and everything seemed to be perfect and preserved. Time didn't move inside of that museum. Everything was in the same place as he remembered but the only thing that was different was him. And it got me thinking "What if he stayed the same too? How different would every time he went to that museum be."

The truth is, it would get boring. When life becomes too predictable and you know what to expect then what's the use of getting up in the morning and going out into the world? There is none. I have to say that I've found that the most beautiful part about life is not knowing what is going to happen next. We may all be situated on a set timeline, this "Divine Predestination" or whatever you could call it... a stream of events that are prewoven and chosen by that which we came from (God). God's plan. The beautiful thing about being human and not having the capacity to understand fate is that we never know which way the road is going to turn. We can come to a fork i nthe road, but all along on the way there we've made our decisions on which one to take based on our experiences and our personalities.

I see so many things when I read The Catcher In the Rye that make be both similar and different than Holden Caulfield. Especially mine and the character's disdain for phonies. The tough part about having said disdain is the fact that being raised in the family that I was, I have a penchant for sniffing out people's bullshit and calling their bluff. So I know immediately when someone is bullshitting me. The DIFFERENCE between Mr. Caulfield and myself is that I try to see the best in people which is my ultimate downfall at times. But it's an admirable trait to have so i'm told. Sometimes (most of the time) I try to see the good in people where there is none and I end up getting backstabbed, used, belittled and sometimes utterly destroyed.

Fact: Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.
Fact: I never see it coming until its too late.

As far as people go I have to say that some of the best and most loyal friends that I have ever had are in the place where I had least expected to find them and as they say "Time will tell" these people have always been there for me to talk to when I'm going through anything, whether it be emotional or otherwise. Most of them, a grand majority of them, live in Des Moines or Pella, Iowa. Namely Chansellor Tyler Hall. Sometimes I can't log in to Facebook or Myspace without getting a comment or something from someone saying that they miss me and they ask me when I'm going to visit and my answer is always:

"I don't know. I don't have the money or the time off to do it anymore."

It used to be:

"I don't want to come there and risk seeing my ex because she'll just fuck with my emotions again."

One of the people that I learned in retrospect was a truly terrible, selfish person is my ex girlfriend Stephanie. 20/20 smack in the face. More like a cold shower wake-up call. NONE of us saw that coming. But in the end, when nothing mattered anymore and the bullshit was revealed, that's when all of the bad people were relieved of their guises. It always is, isn't it? I still feel like I knew all along, but I denied it. Eventually I made a mistake that I don't regret for the experiences. I just wish my heart wasn't involved in it as well.

She was just a glitch.

No matter though anymore. I'm so ambiguous when it comes to my whole romance thing anymore. I doubt my parents even know that I'm talking to someone right now. But I like her a lot and I hope she comes up to see me again soonishly. She's been on a cruise and I haven't known what to do without her because I'm so used to being in some sort of contact with her throughout the day.

This concludes my thing. If you have any questions/comments/concerns please reference me in the links I've provided in my About Me section on the right hand module of this blog. Of course you could just comment the blog itself but WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ANYMORE? No one.

For lack of a better way of saying...

When I was much younger I remember that I hated to read because it always took away from my television programs. But my parents always told me that it was essential so my mom would sometimes have me sit in a room and read. Then I got to about second grade and I figured out that I could get Book-Its which meant free pizza for every book that I read. So I scrambled to read as many books as I could. I've read so many books, from Redwall and Lord of the Rings to Star Wars EU books. Around that time I started reading comic books too, mainly due to my older cousin Jeff influencing me. So basically, my path down Literature Lane, so to speak, is because of free pizza.

Now that I'm older, though, I have a greater appreciation for literature and the depth of it. Whenever I go into a library I see it as shelf after shelf of creative minds. For every single book on the shelves, there's an imagination to go along with it. You have to appreciate something that big. Bookstores and libraries BREATHE creativity. It's a good place to be. Especially if you're a writer and you know how deep that imagination runs firsthand.

I was thinking back to my creative influences and what had initially made me take off and want to pursue art as not only a hobby but a means of expression and a way of life. I could make a list like this:

Music: Billy Joel, John Lennon, Paul Simon, Brandon Boyd, Andrew McMahon, etc.
Writing: J.D. Salinger, Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Kerouac, Charles Bukowski, etc.

...and so on and so forth. I believe that everyone has an influence from something. The band Brand New has an album called "Deja Entendu" which is Latin for "already heard." And it's an homage to their influences, I think. Not everyone is influenced directly from the same medium, either. I've been known to draw inspiration from films, paintings and things like that when I make music and write. It's actually extremely healthy to keep your mind rounded out in that sort of way because it enables you to process and interpret the world around you much better.

Lately, I've picked up Elliott Smith and Incubus as far as music that I've been listening to. Elliott Smith is in my opinion one of the greatest songwriters of this generation and Incubus is just a band that is full of completely talented people to the point where it's absolutely mindblowing.

And I've actually just been listening to music like that for the past few weeks or so. A lot of obscure indie bands that were never picked or appreciated by anyone because they make music for the fact that they love it, not because they're willing to crank out a bunch of hits so that some greedy record label can rip them off and make more money off of them than they earn. Most of these artists started out with nothing and played DIY shows. One band used to set up shows without a PA and the vocalist sang through a practice bass amp. They worked hard to make the music that they did because it's their art. When a painter paints a picture, and he loves it he shows it to the world by any means necessary that he can. A seventeen year old boy in the middle of Nebraska with nothing but a guitar on his back writes songs and plays them for the same uninterested 12 people at a bar on a nightly basis because he feels the same way.

My poetry lately has been lax. I posted 3 new poems on Photographic Memory Loss that were a few of about twenty that I felt were adequate enough to post. So read them. Please?

Lately my heart has been smiling. There's an amazing girl behind that.

This is all that I have to update with. So... keep reading I guess? If you even do on a regular basis to begin with.