Just words.

I know I don't write in this thing often and I know that a lot of the people who generally used to read this have dropped off the face of the earth so to speak, and I apologize. It's just that time is never an abundant thing for me and I really haven't had much to write about because I've basically been living the same day on repeat.

Not that my life is so boring that its absurd. I'm just... ridiculously without any news to bring to the table.

I wish that I read books as often as I used to. I need to get a hold of some money. Unfortunately getting a hold of something like that even for a purpose as noble as buying a gigantic stack of books that I don't even know if I like yet is very difficult. I'm going to be searching for a new occupation here soon to nullify that lack of monetary possession that plagues my life.

But I've been doing a lot of reflection lately in whatever spare time I have on knowledge that I had gained in the past but never put to good use and it's generally sparked by something incredibly simple. You know you might be a genius when you sit there at a desk and roll a pencil between your fingers and as you're watching it you think of something profound in and of that. Today it flowers and gardens for the most part and dripping rain from an overhang. Tomorrow, who knows what it'll be?

Sometimes inspiration comes from the smallest things but we're either too occupied in searching for that inspiration that we desperately need or we don't know how to express it. I suppose those are two of the most painful things about being an artist. In being a human being even, because if you have an idea and you can't express it, what good is it? Along with that, if you have no ideas but you're digging for truth or an answer to questions so that you might provide yourself with that idea, you tend to let the world pass you by. Every time that you blink, a second goes by.

Someday one of my greatest ambitions is to compile a bunch of things that I've created from certain points in my life that I view as crucial points and put them into a book. I don't want to blatantly tell the world a life story or have some sort of autobiographical seminar in writing or pictures. I just figure that these are human emotions and experiences and I want someone to pick them up and say to themselves "Wow... I totally understand this perspective." So that they don't feel as alone as they were or were.

Lately I've noticed that my friends have been dropping like flies. A good majority of the people who mean a lot to me seem to have moved along in their lives and I'm still stuck in a rut in a town that I despise. I don't know if it's more myself I have to blame or the effects of this city on my psyche. But every day I seem to feel a little bit more alone. I wish I hadn't made so many bad decisions in the past. My heart wasn't always right when I chose to follow it and I was foolish enough to believe that love conquers all and that I'd be able to do anything I wanted as long as time was on my side. Boy was I wrong?

Love has failed me in more ways than anything else has. I've had a fear of putting my heart into the hands of others simply because of this demographic. It's been a long time since I could fully and comfortably say that I was IN LOVE with someone. I've even begun to doubt the existence of such a thing. But...

I haven't given up on everyone. I've met someone who I adore and honestly, she is completely different from everyone else. At least I'd like to believe that. But to my knowledge, I've never met anyone who was worth my time like she has been. I only hope there's not an expiration date for feeling this way. Not for me, but for her. It's difficult to tell but all I can do is trust her and hope for the best.

I looked at a painting for a while today that depending on how you hold it, it's a story told from a different point of view. You look at it, you rotate. Look at it some more and rotate. It was fascinating but once I did a full rotation I felt like I had seen all there was to see. Trying to make something of an idea that can be twisted. But it didn't hold my attention anymore so I moved along. I feel as though I should have seen and felt more even after. But I didn't and I realize now that this is what art is anymore. This is what writing is. This is what music is. You try to make it look complex, but it's a simple story. You use big words that people need to find in a dictionary to understand so that people are impressed because you have an extensive vocabulary. But none of it makes sense and nothing is really all that beautiful about it.

I want to be straightforward with my art. I don't want someone to have to turn it and examine it to understand it. I want it to hit people so hard that it knocks them off their feet. And when they go back to read it, sure... they might know what to expect but I want it to never lose that movement.

That's all that's on my mind for tonight.

truuuulalula!

A lot of people out there go out into the world without a clue of what they want to do or what they should be doing with themselves. Some of them are my age, older, younger. It seems like everyone. No one has direction these days and while we're growing up our parents tell us to get an early start and plan ahead or whatever.

There's something that I've experienced in my life that I affectionately call "Fucking up my life." It's mistakes that I've made. Some of them affected me positively and some of them affected me negatively. When I graduated from high school I had no idea what I wanted to be. I knew what I was good at but I always had this question: "Should I pursue it?" The answer now in retrospect was YES! I should have. Why?

Because I wasted so much time going out into the world trying to find purpose and meaning. I searched in nooks and crannies, in the hearts of girls who I would eventually part ways with trying to find a purpose, but I failed. I returned right back to square one with an empty suitcase. I don't regret it but the most important lesson that I learned is that you can't go out searching for happiness or meaning. It's right under your nose and you just have to dig it up really.

And other people cant define you. It doesn't matter if you love someone and it doesn't matter how much you love them. When someone else becomes the keystone to everything in your life what happens when that stone is removed? Everything you build around that person crashes to the ground. This is what happened to me. I DON'T regret it. I just know that I made a mistake in doing so and it cost me a lot. It affected me so negatively as a person that I lost hope and with a hole in my heart that size, there was nothing I could put in it to replace that feeling that I used to have.

We always told one another that no matter what we would always be together and it was like... so believable but at that point I had no idea. I barely knew who I was and even though I loved with all I could, it's just not what was in the works for me.

And I realize it especially now. Recently. Someone has walked into my life and has effortlessly changed me for the better. I realize that as far as loving someone goes it's not who loves you more or less, but it's always who loves you best. And I honestly believe that life has handed me a chance to not replace my former love from the past but to build something new and better. I don't want to jump to conclusions but I've found something in someone that is worth trying for. Because she doesn't seem like the "take everything and give nothing back" kind of person but she's sweet and she has as big of a heart as I do.

Nothing good comes easy though. But I'm more than willing.

But the basis of my life isn't going to be on a relationship. Sure, every relationship needs work but there are so many things to living that are important. I see it as more of a COLLABORATION than an outright compromise. Which is good.

I haven't smiled as much as I have in the past month or so as I have in over a year. It says a lot to me.

I want to push my writing. I can't go to school for it now. I'm even considering going to school within the state whenever I can rather than Chicago so I'm not paying a billion dollars for tuition and fees and housing. But for now I just have to keep doing it and get better at it. I set these personal goals from myself. Some I attain and some I don't. The ones that I don't are where I need to improve. Once I get those down I'm sure I'll be good.

Katie is giving me her acoustic so I'll FINALLY be able to start making music again which is substantial. But I haven't been able to do it in a while and it actually feels like one of my limbs is missing. FUCK stupid sluts who fuck innocent people over without reason and then never give you your clothes, guitar and all of your other shit when you call them and try to recover it. One of the fucking reasons why I hate Pittsburgh so much: the retarded people who live there.

Not all of them are retarded. But a good 99% are.

I'm ending this blog. Because I need to eat my quesadilla and I need to pee because I drank too much water (which, the water in my office tastes like blood for some reason). Bye bye...

-DRJ


PS: Nate's video STILL hasn't been dug out by youtube admin.